Last few days of my life have been really terrible, worse than the Terrible 2s of parents and worst than the moment of Death I witnessed. My brain's been working as a pressure cooker ready to pop anytime while my heart's been working as black hole sucking every single thing and moment of my life I have achieved, earned or cherished. It's been a rough time and I've never seen myself like this. It is scary because it feels like stuck in the giant whirlpool in the midst of the ocean and trying hard to come out but sinking down.
Perhaps, I'm being tested against my patience and tolerance, my sanity and control, but I am loosing it this time and I fear that I will burst into a volcano of anger and revenge. I feel like a serpent furiously slithering in the search of a prey and ready to strike the deadliest venom any life has experienced. Trying to compose myself with every possible thing I can, keeping myself busy and occupied round the clock to keep my mind away from the thing that has caused this imbalance in my mental state but looks like I can’t hold it anymore. Dozing myself every morning, noon and night to stay down and low with things that I promised myself I’ll never touch. They say I’ve lost it but I know I’m still alive…
Strawberry, chocolate, vanilla, butterscotch, 21 Love, Crazy Honkers are some of the flavors of ice creams that just pops the taste buds in the mouths of every age group. Then there are flavors of food, coffee, drinks and you name it. But flavors are not bound by taste buds. Even feelings and expressions have flavors like Sweet-n-Sour, Passion-n-Compassion, Sacrifice-n-Acceptance, Commitment-n-Trust, Love-n-Hate,Friendly and many more.
While surfing the internet, I came across one such flavor, flavor of expression and I just couldn’t stop from crying. Yes, I can cry and I do cry, sometimes to normalize my Lacrimal glands and sometimes to cleanse my heart. Anyways, not going my way this time but this is a moment to rejoice for this couple which became a sensation of the Internet world. Applauds for this guy “Jones” to come out and propose his love on the TV channel and then be there around the girl to propose in person when she was watching the telecast. What a nice couple and what a nice way to celebrate and express love.
Then there are those too who strive all their life to stand by someone’s side, someone they love more than anything, with truth and dedication, commitment and honesty, love and passion, but at the end they realize that all they did, went in vain because the other person never appreciated the flavor of Love.
Shuffling, juggling, tossing and turning, trying to find out another tale of my life. Although, I have bunch of things on top of my head to write about but still thinking of one good thing that would match the mood and the purpose. Should I talk about my childhood, my adolescence, my growing age, my family, friends, crushes and affairs or my love my life my wife (actually half wife :)) or should I talk about my goals and struggles or perhaps my dreams. Bucket full of stories to pen down but just can’t pick one out of it.
Let’s see, how about one of my all time favorite fantasy. Oh yeah, I do dream and I did day dreaming a lot from my childhood to youth making up stories and coming up with weird ideas and things. One such fantasy, actually wish would be the right word to use, is to see myself and the world standing right next to all when I die. Confused :), well what I always dreamed and I still wish is that how interesting will it be to depart from my body and stay just above or around it and see the world and myself lying dead somewhere with people around my body. Some would be really soaked in deep emotions, some would be laughing in the back of mind that “thank God, he finally departed”, some would be standing in the back in groups chatting and discussing about hot and happening news and then there will be some discussing and gossiping daily things and people. It would be fun to see the reality of each person. It could be worse also if no one sheds a single tear and everyone is happy on my departure but at least I would know the truth of my life when I was alive.
Still, this is not what I want to see after dying. What I want is to actually feel how death feels like and somehow still have that feeling that I am dead but alive. I know it is wacky stuff but imagine yourself dead and out of your body, can’t feel any pain, any joy, any happiness; no feelings for family, friend, and enemies yet have a feeling of death.
How does it feel to be dead? Crazy thought but honestly speaking, I can tell you how it feels to be dead or at least dying as I have witnessed it very closely and people, who know me very well, like really close ones know what I am talking about. But well, that would be another post and I shall definitely tell how it felt and how it ditched me :)
I was on one of my favorite bloggers site and the recent post of her (Shedding Tears of Gratitude) worked as a boost to complete my project and inspired me to work even harder on it. Congratulations and thanks a bunch Sharell to do this extraordinary work and inspiring a person like me.
Can't remember the exact year and age but I guess I was 9-10 years old when a funny but life critical incident happened to me. I was the youngest amongst my brother’s friend circle and everyone used to pamper me and take good care of me as a younger brother. God knows what mood the rain Gods had that day but it was raining hard and I was playing with one of my brother's best friends in our porch. He and my brother were chasing me and were trying to block me from both the ends of the porch. Mom and dad were sitting on the deck sipping hot tea. Everything was going smooth, we kids were playing, laughing and enjoying and all of a sudden there was a scream. I fell down facing the back of my head on the wet slippery marble floor of the porch and fainted and my brother screamed for help.
I have no clue what happened after that. Years later my parents told me that I was taken to the doctor and after all checkups and scans, doctor diagnosed that the vein carrying blood to the head got squeezed when I fell down. As a result of which the blood circulation slowed down and resulted in short term memory loss. My parents told me that for almost 3 days after the incident I just asked couple of things repeatedly. It was this strange behavior that made my father worry and he immediately took me to the doctor. Doctors told my father that if I vomit in next 72 hours, I might have to go through brain surgery procedure. He also told that the vein should come back to normal state within 48-72 hours and blood circulation should become normal. Luckily, in about 3 days, my vein retained its state and the blood circulation was back to normal.
I could have died, possibly have lost my memory forever or even worst paralyzed for the life but destiny had something else in the store for me. I am still alive, living my life with uncountable memories, ups and downs, incidences and events but missing those 72 hours. I sometimes laugh when I think about the incident and the questions I asked which of course my parents told me later on but when I see the scary side of it in which I see my family tensed and horrified, I feel shaken too.
It's been long, really long, I have penned down anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if my writing skills have faded just like my hair with time. There was a time when people used to be avid readers of my short stories and long posts and then there were some who would whine about the length of the articles but every single time they would call or ask me to know what was in the pages ahead. And then, all of a sudden I took retirement from writing, never to come back.
I’d always desired to narrate my life my own way and have an autobiography some day and I did work on this project quite a few times but could never go further few pages. Maybe writing about self is the hardest of all or perhaps when it came to open myself to the world; I just became handicapped with words. This time it’s a complete different feeling and I hope that I will be able to accomplish my dream. Although, this time I have taken a different approach to talk about every aspect and every detail of my life so that during the journey of this autobiography, my readers and I myself don’t get bored and give up. Let’s hope that this time I can make up to my dream before I say goodbye to the world.
I don’t know how long this journey is going to be but I hope that I have enough time to complete my project. Amen.